Gut Reaction: Fuck the Dow Jones

It must be nice to be in charge of a major corporation. In addition to being able to count on a government bailout when you fuck up at your job, you can also blame your fuck-ups on the government when you continue to fail at the task you are given millions of dollars to do.

John Stewart recently made an (increasingly rare) good observation on the current stock situation:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

The Dow Knows All

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

jesus christ that's a long embed code. Thanks a lot Viacom, you fucking piece of shit, as if anyone has ever wanted to hear about your shitty jokes of the day. Anyway, the point Stewart makes is that the Dow Jones isn't an indication of fucking anything. That's a solid point, but here's another, better one, from me:

The financial sector seems to be coming out to say, "People don't want to invest in our company because they have no confidence in President Obama's Stimulus Package." Why don't we apply Occam's Razor for a minute... Maybe people don't want to invest in stocks becuase most companies seem to be fucking up and because we all know that Stockbrokers are a bunch of goddamn con artists. Maybe people don't want to invest because they have less money because bullshit companies have been jacking up prices on basic items like grocery store produce, originally made more expensive due to rising gas costs, but which have remained stagnant. Maybe people don't want to invest because no matter how nice your suit is, you are all still just fucking gambling.

TL;DR-- fuck you, suit.

Gut Reaction: JESUSCHRIST IT'S A SHARK-- GET IN THE SUB

Apparently, sharks are coming to get us.









If this photo from the article is anything to go by, however, they are apparently straight for the knees of skinny jeans-wearing hipster scum, so there is a silver lining. I can see why this would scare some people but those of us who live every day like it's Shark Week have seen this coming for some time now and are prepared accordingly. For the rest of you, tough shit. I guess we can all take solace in the fact that it could be worse:


On the other hand, it could apparently be a lot better.

My advise? Stay out of the fucking water and don't look so much like a seal.

Gut Reactions: Global Schwarming?

So I didn't read some article about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit, but if I had I would have probably read about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit. First and foremost, I think that if you are going to jump in with the "Global Warming is not manmade" crowd, you should pause and think if you really want to be in the company of Sarah 'not as hot as Tina Fey, no matter what anyone says' Palin and George 'Double-Yew' Bush. If the answer is yes, then gfy, you can go diaf for all I care. The real issue here, as far as I'm concerned, is whether or not you think we oughta be taking better care of the earth. Not to sound like a hippie, but we really oughta be. The place is a mess, species are going extinct, and the quality of life is rapidly declining. Let's say global warming is a myth. If we, as a society, gather together and cooperate to lower carbon emissions, drive electric cars or whatever, recycle, stop dumping shit in the ocean, whatever, what bad shit will happen? Our air is cleaner, we use renewable sources (I defy anyone to argue taht we're not running the hell out of oil) and we generally have a planet that is a nicer place to be.

Where's the fucking harm?

This would be epic win for society, showing that we can cooperate on something that isn't a war. It reminds me of this time my parents were gonna come visit my apartment. I spent all day cleaning up and vacuming and throwing out old food. Then they called up and cancelled and my immediate reaction was like what the hell, I wasted my whole day. But then I was like, well, on the plus side, now my place is all clean. See what I mean? Epic win for me. Plus, this means that the world will be a much nicer place when the Large Hadron Collider destroys it in a few months.

TL;DR-- Even if Global Warming were bullshit, which it is NOT, we need to stop fucking trashing the place.

If the TL;DR was TL;DR-- FUCK YOU!

Culture: Whatever, I dig Kanye

So I read part of some article about what an arrogant douche Kanye West is and I gotta say, who cares?

Kanye's not my favorite rapper, that would have to be Immortal Technique, matter of fact, Kanye isn't even my favorite mainstream rapper, (Jay-Z) but he's pretty solid and he's distinctive from the other 90% of rap which, like 90% of all music is utter garbage. Kanye and I have a lot in common: We're both young wunderkinds in field, and we both appreciate women who "got more ass than the models." Thus, when I see me friend and colleauge being hated on in the Media (pronounced Mee-juh) I feel that it is my perogative to step in.

Anyway, the way I see, it's pretty much nbd that Kanye west thinks he's such hot shit. I mean, you can look at the transverse property and see him as saying he's bigger than the beatles when lennon said the beatles were bigger than Jesus, so therefore Kanye thinks he's bigger than Jesus but the reality is, who gives a shit. Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else. Prove me wrong.

The music you choose to listen to is based on your mood, and when you put on a song in which Kanye West is rapping about what a badass he is, it isn't because you feel like listening to some braggadocio talk about how rad he is, it's because you feel like a badass.

Generally, people listening to music put themselves in place of the I in the song, not the you. When you listen to Tom Petty sing, "I won't back down," you are thinking that you, the listener will not back down, not marveling on the steadfast Mr. Petty. So too in rap. When Kanye raps, "there's a thousand you's, there's only one of me/ so how the hell could you front on me" (excellent use of rhyming me with me, btw), you don't think of yourself as one of the thousand "you's" but rather as the primary "me."

The fact that this arrogance moves from his songs to his personal life is irrelevant-- it's just part of the show. This shit goes for everyone. I think it was hugely disappointing when John Lennon retracted or clarified his statement about being bigger than Jesus. If I were him, I would've just gone with it and been like, "No, yeah, I personally am more important than Jesus Christ, and those who worship HIM as their risen Lord and saviour (he was from England so he woulda spelled it that way) should begin worshiping me instead."

TL;DR-- leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave Kanye alooooooooooone

Gut Reactions: The Big 3 Bailout

Moar like the Big 3 Fail It, Am I right? Yes, I am right, and it's time for another round of Gut Reactions. This time, we'll be talking about the Big 3 Automakers who are asking for like 34 Billion Dollars to fix their broke ass companies. Now, as I recently told the tow-truck driver and my mechanic, I don't know shit about cars, nor do I really know shit about business. I'm watching C-Span right now, seeing a bunch of asshole senators and a bunch of asshole automakers jerking eachother off. Fuck that, here's my five point plan for the US Auto Industry

1. Give them the money-- this keeps jobs in America, and can help bolster consumer confidence
2. Temporarily nationalize the industries-- If they're getting our money, we're in charge.
3. Cut CEO Salaries-- You don't deserve millions of dollars a year if you're fucking up
4. Force the US auto industry to make only electric and plug-in hybrid cars, or at the very least to massively upgrade their gas mileage-- you can't sell shit without a unique selling proposition, in this case, you can lean on the government's support to bring a cheap all electric car to the marketplace, and that shit will sell like gangbusters, meaning
   
5. Only lift the oversight board, the temporary nationalization when the $34 billion is paid back with interest.

TL;DR: Use that $34 billion dollars to make America a nation of electric cars.

Gut Reaction: IFH the WSJ

The Wall Stree Journal sucks cock-- prove me wrong.

Ridiculous right wing opinion columns.
Publishing articles by that fucking criminal Karl Rove.
Being assholes, blaming the poor.
Hating on my fucking Hero Barack Obama
I fucking hate the Wall Street Journal

It has excellent articles on business and economics matters, which are two examples of shit I know nothing about. It should stick to this and STFU about politics, which is one example of shit they know nothing about.

TL;DR-- More like Ball Skeet Journal, Am I right?

Gut Reaction: Whatever, Fuck That Guy

So science has released a composite image of the most trustworthy face, based on some shit nobody cares about. Now, I'll admit I was hard pressed to barely read the article this time, as it was only like two sentences, but I looked at the guy, and I can emphatically state "Whatever, fuck that guy."

First off, let's get the obvious out of the way-- he's a white dude, which probably makes this racist. Second, , he's just a typical, forgettable, vanilla motherfucker who you'd only trust because you'd totally forget him after you part ways. Also, he kind of reminds me of my old ID badge for my last gig.

If I owned a newspaper, and it had a science section, every line of print would be devoted to real science, and right now that means the Large Hadron Collider, which apparently is some epic particle collider that will either turn men into gods, spin straw into gold, and enhance our understanding of the Universe, or else destroy everything ever. I don't really understand even the broad strokes of this issue, but I think that my unfounded, unreasonable, and ill-informed fears need to be constantly addressed by all media outlets so that I can subsequently ignore the articles and do my Sudoku. Instead, SCIENCE is busily at work on more silly made-up bullshit that even I don't care about.

See, this is great, now I'm all worked up, whereas in reality I could give a shit.

TL:DR-- Whatever, fuck Science, and fuck that guy, and fuck everything since the LHC is gonna fuck all our shit up.

Gut Reactions: Al Gore, What A Douche

Alright, so Gut Reactions are where, without reading or really thinking about an article or issue, I form an opinion based on a headline or summary, and then blog that sucker to death.

Here's an article from the Washington Times, which I won't lie, I found on Fark about Al Gore, who I normally think is pretty rad, especially after seeing that horror movie. My fucking hero Barack Obama offers Al Gore the sweet and, as yet, completely made-up White House position of Climate Czar, and Al Gore says no. I don't know if Al Gore gave a reason, that shit was below the fold so I didn't read it. In my mind, what probably happened is that he think he's hot shit and so when he was offered the gig he was probably all like "Fuck that I'm Al Gore."

Al Gore, what a douche.

So until next time, remember...