What the fuck is this?

As you, the loyal infinte steez reader, are well aware, I am very intrested in the large hadron collider. While the Onion recently informed us of some good news on that front, Some other site has a horrifyingly terrible, new development. Tom fucking Hanks may be the dude who turns on the LHC. Now, first, I'd like to address the fact that I tried searching for this story on MSNBC and CNN and neitehr one was covering it, choosing instead to devote precious time to Octopussy, Missing White Girls, and Steroid Usage. Well done, assholes.













Tom Hanks, (pictured right) star of such films as the That Thing You Do, The Money Pit, and Volunteers, will potentially be the guy who destroys the planet earth.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Time Magazine's Top 10 Shit

Anyway, Time Magazine has the top ten of everything and I have some tl;dr's for you, the faithful reader of the infinite steez blog. I had initially planned to correct all of their mistakes, but instead have opted to do so for only the most glaring errors

#1 Best Awkward Moment-- Bush Dances Awkwardly
WRONG-- the most awkward moment was actually when the self-checking machine refused to ring up something awkward that I was buying at Ralphs. Picking Something of more mass appeal... might be the already posted video where nobody will let Bush in line. ID.

#1 Best Business Deal-- Some Shit About Visa Wrong-- The best business deal was when I got a 30 pack of caguama's for $16. Booyah

#1 Best Movie Performance-- Kate Winslet is some movie you've never heard of.
Wrong again fucko! It was, of course Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. Heath Ledger caswe a close second for Dark Knight.












#1 Best Break-Up-- Guy Ritchie & Madonna
WRONG! The right answer was the breakup between Time magazine and journalistic relevance. Although I feel like this might have happened a bit close to press time, as posting a 'best break-up' section, was the final nail in the coffin. Second place, goes to my roommate and his HEINOUS BITCH girlfriend.

#1 Best in Campaign Gaffes-- McCain's Weak Fundamentals
Wrong, the biggest Gaffe was:
Making Palin VP
Nom making McCain presidential Nominee
The Republican Party bothering to run any candidate.

#1 Best in Science-- The Large Hadron Collider
Hell yes, in terms of science, Time magazine knows where it's it, briefly profiling the epicly important LHC.
See, The Onion knows where it's at too.

#1 Best in Video-- The Couric/ Palin Interviews
WRONG! This was by no means even the best Palin Video, that was Nailin' Paylin. (although it's MUCH better with the pr0n. No, the best video of the year was this one:



Brought to my attentnion by Raisins at The Internet is Terrible, this is probably the most haunting thing in history, and 2008's most significant vid.

#1 Best in Children's Books-- Some Shit By The Folks Who Wrote Burglar Bill

WRONG! The best children's book is this one, which teaches children of all ages about Bob Dylan. Actually I don't care.

#1 Best in Crime-- OJ gets thrown in the slammer.

WRONG! The best crime story was me getting a speeding ticket. Fuck.

#1 Best in Editorial Cartoons-- Some non lulzy shit about the bailout.

WRONG! The real best comes from Jim Kelly, over at the Onion, sticking it to those environmentalist wingnuts.

#1 Best in Election Photos: Some stupid Obama picture

Wrong. There were a shit ton of epic pictures of my fucking hero Barack Obama, I have no idea why they picked such a lame one. In my opinion fact the best election pictures were taken by some rando chick called Nilda Vidutis. You should probs take a look at this amazing series of photos.


#1 Best in Video Games-- GTA IV
WRONG!! The best video game of 2008 was fucking metal gear solid 4, and the fact that it doesn't even crack their top 10 shows that Time knows dick about video games. I didn't even play Metal Gear Solid and I know it was the best. I did play GTA, and I thought it was great but come on. Metal Gear is probably dank as shit.

#1 Best in Fashon Moments-- Something Lame About High Heels
WRONG-- The best moment in 2008 fashion was when I got those epic Clae Shoes. Love those fucking things.

#1 Best in Olympics-- Phelp's Phucking Photo Phinish
Wrong-- the correct answer is, "who fucking cares?" Partial credit would be given for me getting some action while the Olympics were on TV.

#1 Best in Religion-- Some shit nobody cares about

Wrong, the correct answer is I AM A FALSE PROHPHET AND GOD IS A SUPERSTITION. NOW GIVE ME THE BLOOD ELI, LET ME GET AWAY.

#1 Best in Sports Moments-- Tiger plays through the pain.

Yeah fucking right. The best sports story of the year was when this dude playing for some no name college team broke his finger and was told he couldn't play. His response-- fuck you, cut off my finger, we're doin' it live! Maybe Tiger would top this list if he'd opted to have his goddamn leg cut off to play better. Are you fucking kidding me?

Alright, that's about all I have the attention span for. Fuck off.

Gut Reactions: Global Schwarming?

So I didn't read some article about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit, but if I had I would have probably read about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit. First and foremost, I think that if you are going to jump in with the "Global Warming is not manmade" crowd, you should pause and think if you really want to be in the company of Sarah 'not as hot as Tina Fey, no matter what anyone says' Palin and George 'Double-Yew' Bush. If the answer is yes, then gfy, you can go diaf for all I care. The real issue here, as far as I'm concerned, is whether or not you think we oughta be taking better care of the earth. Not to sound like a hippie, but we really oughta be. The place is a mess, species are going extinct, and the quality of life is rapidly declining. Let's say global warming is a myth. If we, as a society, gather together and cooperate to lower carbon emissions, drive electric cars or whatever, recycle, stop dumping shit in the ocean, whatever, what bad shit will happen? Our air is cleaner, we use renewable sources (I defy anyone to argue taht we're not running the hell out of oil) and we generally have a planet that is a nicer place to be.

Where's the fucking harm?

This would be epic win for society, showing that we can cooperate on something that isn't a war. It reminds me of this time my parents were gonna come visit my apartment. I spent all day cleaning up and vacuming and throwing out old food. Then they called up and cancelled and my immediate reaction was like what the hell, I wasted my whole day. But then I was like, well, on the plus side, now my place is all clean. See what I mean? Epic win for me. Plus, this means that the world will be a much nicer place when the Large Hadron Collider destroys it in a few months.

TL;DR-- Even if Global Warming were bullshit, which it is NOT, we need to stop fucking trashing the place.

If the TL;DR was TL;DR-- FUCK YOU!

Gut Reaction: Whatever, Fuck That Guy

So science has released a composite image of the most trustworthy face, based on some shit nobody cares about. Now, I'll admit I was hard pressed to barely read the article this time, as it was only like two sentences, but I looked at the guy, and I can emphatically state "Whatever, fuck that guy."

First off, let's get the obvious out of the way-- he's a white dude, which probably makes this racist. Second, , he's just a typical, forgettable, vanilla motherfucker who you'd only trust because you'd totally forget him after you part ways. Also, he kind of reminds me of my old ID badge for my last gig.

If I owned a newspaper, and it had a science section, every line of print would be devoted to real science, and right now that means the Large Hadron Collider, which apparently is some epic particle collider that will either turn men into gods, spin straw into gold, and enhance our understanding of the Universe, or else destroy everything ever. I don't really understand even the broad strokes of this issue, but I think that my unfounded, unreasonable, and ill-informed fears need to be constantly addressed by all media outlets so that I can subsequently ignore the articles and do my Sudoku. Instead, SCIENCE is busily at work on more silly made-up bullshit that even I don't care about.

See, this is great, now I'm all worked up, whereas in reality I could give a shit.

TL:DR-- Whatever, fuck Science, and fuck that guy, and fuck everything since the LHC is gonna fuck all our shit up.