Getting Pumped

People often ask me how, facing unemployment, basement dweller status, I manage to stay so upbeat-- how I muster up the energy to tear apart my enemies and attack the day like a hungry dog. It's true that from the surface, the odds are stacked against me, and yet like a salmon swimming up against the current, I soldier bravely onward. The secret to my success isn't exercise, since I can't face that until late at night, nor do I rely upon prayer or a hearty breakfast, since I don't get hungry until around noon-- the correct time for a human being to be up. Instead I look back to the old masters for inspiration, and every morning I watch the following videos:








When I see these high levels of badassery and douchebaggery I know I can succeed as long as I turn myself into a high operating hate machine.

Love

Ace

Fucking Kanye

It took a special and important moment to get me out of my self-imposed exile. It wasn't MJ's death, the dow passing 9000, Clinton nabbing some Chinese babes from China, or even USC's victory over Ohio State. What brought me out of my slumber was a special moment.

I felt a great disturbance in the lulz....
























You know what happened. I know that my blog is far enough down the internet food chain that I can't possibly be breaking this story twelve hours after it happened. I know you know because everyone on my facebook changed their status, without having the self awareness to know that watching the VMA's is for fourteen year olds. I was off playing Madden 08 because I'm broke, but I felt the aforementioned phenomena, and knew something was afoot.

When my douche sense is tingling, I follow it, so I dropped my wiimote and I ran to the nearest internet and watched the video. I received a call during the video and as we were talking-- me keeping one eye on the action-- she suddenly says, "hang on, my roommate wants to show me something." I knew what was up, so we both watched as Kanye West, charged the stage like a heroic knight charging the castle, ready to save the princess.

George Bush didn't care about black people, and Kanye West doesn't care about white chicks. He acted like he didn't know who Taylor Swift was, which is how I would act, because I don't know who she was. I thought she may have been the high school musical chicks, but not the one who was naked twice, but that's not the case. Apparently she's just some chick. Anyway, Kanye grabs the mic and heroically starts yapping away. He probably knew it was an incredibly rude and childish thing to do, or maybe he didn't because since his mom got pwned by a bad stomach staple, he's reverted even deeper into a child. Either way, it didn't matter. Some things are bigger than manners. Kanye saw a tragedy about to happen, and he couldn't let it go on undeterred. You wouldn't think it was rude if the passengers on your flight stormed the terrorists attempting to hijack it-- would you?

Kanye saw that the entire world-- even just for a few seconds-- was being deprived of his opinion, and he couldn't let that shit go.

This is basically the idiot's version of another epic douche moment from earlier this week:



Basically, it looks like other assholes of the world are out there stepping their game up, being impossible assholes, and they've pretty much just taken the rock to the hole, and said look, Infinite Steez, it's your move. Alright internet, I got this. Hail Satan.

Salary Expectations

I love it when a job asks me what my salary expectations are. I haven't been paid for work in like ten months, and that wasn't much either. I expect to be paid, that's it. Companies should just come out and be like-- hey, we're gonna pay you like $20K a year, or whatever, and if I want to get paid that much I'll apply and if not I'll keep looking. They do this-- obviously-- so that they can take the best combination of qualified and willing to work for peanuts. If the job goes for $30 but the person will do it for $20, they can basically take advantage of the lack of knowledge of pay structure.

Then again, this might be a great strategy that people can apply to their lives, like dating for instance. On a first date, the chick can just say-- "hey, what base do you think you'll be getting to tonight," and if it were me I'd be like, uh, I think that first base is definitely reasonable, but second is not by any means out of the question..." Meanwhile, this chick was totally down for anal and now I'm getting gypped.

TL;DR-- Asking someone what they expect is a great way to make them look like an asshole.

Craigslist: just another collection of jagovs.

I go back and forth on how I feel about the world at large. Sometimes I think that I secretly love everyone and find beauty in everything, and sometimes-- like now, I think that everyone besides me is a fucking idiot. I've been looking for work fairly haphazardly, and also trying to sell a few things with some success. While my dream life of being a highly profile copywriter who gets paid in cash and bj's and lives upstairs from a shitty bar may seem far away, there is no reason I can't pick up a little work in the interim, right?

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong wrong.

I'm basically looking for labor at this point, because I'm a monstrous fat ass and want to be able to fit into the flossy clothes I own. I also think it's good for the soul. Fine. Here is an example of a labor gig posting on craigslist:

"SEARCHING FOR A CLEANER TO HELP ME CLEAN MY APARTMENT THOROUGHLY AND GET PAID, SOMEONE THAT WOULDN'T GO TO MY APARTMENT AND STEAL MY THINGS, I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S VERY RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY. INTERESTED CLEANER SHOULD EMAIL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE WITH THEIR LOCATION(NECESSARY). ALL EMAILS SHOULD BE SENT DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL. XXXXXXX@gmail.com(compulsory) else your application will not be PROCESSED. "

I love how pissed off this person is already, and I can tell they're pissed off because of the all-caps.

What the fuck?

I just read A Confederecy of Dunces:

Here's a pic of me reading it:
























The book is about a far loser who lives with his Ma and is sent out to find work. I managed to finish it before that became my life exactly but shit, I was cutting it pretty fine. Anyway, I just wanted to update my loyal readers (google analytics tells me you fuckers are out there), and to let you know that if you need shit did, I'm lookin for work.

Steez: Fake Receipts

Fake receipts, the perfect accessory for any douchebag. Some website for dickbags is offering fake receipts, one dated for every Friday of the year, each showing a massive bank balance, indicating that you are totally rich. "What," you might well ask, "would be the point of such a thing?" Well don't worry-- dear reader, the good folks at custom reciepts have tha answer for you:

"Tired of being used as a drink-dispenser? Maybe if you were rich you’d have more luck.

Ever wanted people to think you’re rich? Just casually let them see your massive bank balance on one of our fake ATM receipts, with your name right on it.

Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true."

First of all, excellent use of the quote feature by me-- yes? Second of all 'a player's dream come true"? Really? All those players with no money, for whom the missing piece in a successful aquisition of pussy is a fake piece of paper. The whole website seems like a cross between a Maxim Magazine article on picking up chicks and one of those novelty joke item descriptions in the back of old kid magazines.

I am going to have to classify this as shit that will not get you fucked. I was going to say that this would be shit that may or may not get you fucked, but that would have required me to make a new tag, and also, while I've certainly associated with broads of a more mercenary nature, I find it difficult to believe that even the most financially motivated of these would be swayed by such a transparent play. Disregard that, I'm sure these work like a fucking charm.

Time Magazine's Top 10 Shit

Anyway, Time Magazine has the top ten of everything and I have some tl;dr's for you, the faithful reader of the infinite steez blog. I had initially planned to correct all of their mistakes, but instead have opted to do so for only the most glaring errors

#1 Best Awkward Moment-- Bush Dances Awkwardly
WRONG-- the most awkward moment was actually when the self-checking machine refused to ring up something awkward that I was buying at Ralphs. Picking Something of more mass appeal... might be the already posted video where nobody will let Bush in line. ID.

#1 Best Business Deal-- Some Shit About Visa Wrong-- The best business deal was when I got a 30 pack of caguama's for $16. Booyah

#1 Best Movie Performance-- Kate Winslet is some movie you've never heard of.
Wrong again fucko! It was, of course Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. Heath Ledger caswe a close second for Dark Knight.












#1 Best Break-Up-- Guy Ritchie & Madonna
WRONG! The right answer was the breakup between Time magazine and journalistic relevance. Although I feel like this might have happened a bit close to press time, as posting a 'best break-up' section, was the final nail in the coffin. Second place, goes to my roommate and his HEINOUS BITCH girlfriend.

#1 Best in Campaign Gaffes-- McCain's Weak Fundamentals
Wrong, the biggest Gaffe was:
Making Palin VP
Nom making McCain presidential Nominee
The Republican Party bothering to run any candidate.

#1 Best in Science-- The Large Hadron Collider
Hell yes, in terms of science, Time magazine knows where it's it, briefly profiling the epicly important LHC.
See, The Onion knows where it's at too.

#1 Best in Video-- The Couric/ Palin Interviews
WRONG! This was by no means even the best Palin Video, that was Nailin' Paylin. (although it's MUCH better with the pr0n. No, the best video of the year was this one:



Brought to my attentnion by Raisins at The Internet is Terrible, this is probably the most haunting thing in history, and 2008's most significant vid.

#1 Best in Children's Books-- Some Shit By The Folks Who Wrote Burglar Bill

WRONG! The best children's book is this one, which teaches children of all ages about Bob Dylan. Actually I don't care.

#1 Best in Crime-- OJ gets thrown in the slammer.

WRONG! The best crime story was me getting a speeding ticket. Fuck.

#1 Best in Editorial Cartoons-- Some non lulzy shit about the bailout.

WRONG! The real best comes from Jim Kelly, over at the Onion, sticking it to those environmentalist wingnuts.

#1 Best in Election Photos: Some stupid Obama picture

Wrong. There were a shit ton of epic pictures of my fucking hero Barack Obama, I have no idea why they picked such a lame one. In my opinion fact the best election pictures were taken by some rando chick called Nilda Vidutis. You should probs take a look at this amazing series of photos.


#1 Best in Video Games-- GTA IV
WRONG!! The best video game of 2008 was fucking metal gear solid 4, and the fact that it doesn't even crack their top 10 shows that Time knows dick about video games. I didn't even play Metal Gear Solid and I know it was the best. I did play GTA, and I thought it was great but come on. Metal Gear is probably dank as shit.

#1 Best in Fashon Moments-- Something Lame About High Heels
WRONG-- The best moment in 2008 fashion was when I got those epic Clae Shoes. Love those fucking things.

#1 Best in Olympics-- Phelp's Phucking Photo Phinish
Wrong-- the correct answer is, "who fucking cares?" Partial credit would be given for me getting some action while the Olympics were on TV.

#1 Best in Religion-- Some shit nobody cares about

Wrong, the correct answer is I AM A FALSE PROHPHET AND GOD IS A SUPERSTITION. NOW GIVE ME THE BLOOD ELI, LET ME GET AWAY.

#1 Best in Sports Moments-- Tiger plays through the pain.

Yeah fucking right. The best sports story of the year was when this dude playing for some no name college team broke his finger and was told he couldn't play. His response-- fuck you, cut off my finger, we're doin' it live! Maybe Tiger would top this list if he'd opted to have his goddamn leg cut off to play better. Are you fucking kidding me?

Alright, that's about all I have the attention span for. Fuck off.

Gut Reactions: US Journalists need to step their game up.

Alright, so if you haven't seen the greatest shit in history, here it is:



my fucking hero Barack Obama Some Iraqi Journo pitches not one but two shoes at Pres. Bush. Way to go Iraqi Journalist! We all know that Bush is a douche etc, etc, no need to get into that, but way to go. I feel like a lot of people are making this out to be a bad thing, but it isn't. America has clearly fallen down in the world's opinion to the point people think they can just throw shoes at our dignitaries, and that's kind of our bad. Actually, no, it's George Bush's bad for being such a douche.

I just changed my mind what this blog post is gonna be about. It was going to be all about how US journalists need to start being assholes if they don't want their newspapers to get shut down, but now I'm going to present you with a collection of videos of bush being pwned and disregarded.


No Handshakes for Bush:



What's that you say? This story was later debunked? WHO CARES? My point stands, moving on...

No waving for Bush:



Way to go, Keith Olberman, what an asskicker.

No space for Bush:



Good good. I mean, you can talk about America's declining stature in the world, or you can simply lol at the fact that 'The Leader of the Free World' has become such a non-entity. I advocate the lulz. Some argue that this is because Bush is a Lame Duck Douche President, but I disagree. I think it's because he has fucked a lot of shit up, and some people, unlike me, do not feel the constant pressure to conform to standards of politeness. We all like to think we'd have the courage to stand up to slavery or call Condi Rice a murderer to her face but in reality, most of us just want to be nice. At least I do. So bravo to people who are brave enough to be deliberately rude, or to throw shoes, or whatever the fuck this post was originally about. Okay, no more politics for at least 5 more posts.

Ace out.

Gut Reactions: Global Schwarming?

So I didn't read some article about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit, but if I had I would have probably read about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit. First and foremost, I think that if you are going to jump in with the "Global Warming is not manmade" crowd, you should pause and think if you really want to be in the company of Sarah 'not as hot as Tina Fey, no matter what anyone says' Palin and George 'Double-Yew' Bush. If the answer is yes, then gfy, you can go diaf for all I care. The real issue here, as far as I'm concerned, is whether or not you think we oughta be taking better care of the earth. Not to sound like a hippie, but we really oughta be. The place is a mess, species are going extinct, and the quality of life is rapidly declining. Let's say global warming is a myth. If we, as a society, gather together and cooperate to lower carbon emissions, drive electric cars or whatever, recycle, stop dumping shit in the ocean, whatever, what bad shit will happen? Our air is cleaner, we use renewable sources (I defy anyone to argue taht we're not running the hell out of oil) and we generally have a planet that is a nicer place to be.

Where's the fucking harm?

This would be epic win for society, showing that we can cooperate on something that isn't a war. It reminds me of this time my parents were gonna come visit my apartment. I spent all day cleaning up and vacuming and throwing out old food. Then they called up and cancelled and my immediate reaction was like what the hell, I wasted my whole day. But then I was like, well, on the plus side, now my place is all clean. See what I mean? Epic win for me. Plus, this means that the world will be a much nicer place when the Large Hadron Collider destroys it in a few months.

TL;DR-- Even if Global Warming were bullshit, which it is NOT, we need to stop fucking trashing the place.

If the TL;DR was TL;DR-- FUCK YOU!

Gut Reactions: The Big 3 Bailout

Moar like the Big 3 Fail It, Am I right? Yes, I am right, and it's time for another round of Gut Reactions. This time, we'll be talking about the Big 3 Automakers who are asking for like 34 Billion Dollars to fix their broke ass companies. Now, as I recently told the tow-truck driver and my mechanic, I don't know shit about cars, nor do I really know shit about business. I'm watching C-Span right now, seeing a bunch of asshole senators and a bunch of asshole automakers jerking eachother off. Fuck that, here's my five point plan for the US Auto Industry

1. Give them the money-- this keeps jobs in America, and can help bolster consumer confidence
2. Temporarily nationalize the industries-- If they're getting our money, we're in charge.
3. Cut CEO Salaries-- You don't deserve millions of dollars a year if you're fucking up
4. Force the US auto industry to make only electric and plug-in hybrid cars, or at the very least to massively upgrade their gas mileage-- you can't sell shit without a unique selling proposition, in this case, you can lean on the government's support to bring a cheap all electric car to the marketplace, and that shit will sell like gangbusters, meaning
   
5. Only lift the oversight board, the temporary nationalization when the $34 billion is paid back with interest.

TL;DR: Use that $34 billion dollars to make America a nation of electric cars.

Gut Reaction: IFH the WSJ

The Wall Stree Journal sucks cock-- prove me wrong.

Ridiculous right wing opinion columns.
Publishing articles by that fucking criminal Karl Rove.
Being assholes, blaming the poor.
Hating on my fucking Hero Barack Obama
I fucking hate the Wall Street Journal

It has excellent articles on business and economics matters, which are two examples of shit I know nothing about. It should stick to this and STFU about politics, which is one example of shit they know nothing about.

TL;DR-- More like Ball Skeet Journal, Am I right?

Steez: Detroit Sprinkles

Okay, so I feel like I shot my wad pretty early with those Clae Shoes. I mean, Steez is in the name of the blog, and yet I don't have much else in the way of epic steez. Therefore, I bring to you some other Stylish Steez: Detroit Sprinkles. I heard about this from a buddy of mine who I guess co-owns the place, and my guess is it's going to be blowing up any second now.

I went to some art show that I may or may not be posting about soon under the heading of Culture, since that's the most cultural shit I've done in weeks, and I basically saw hipsters as far as eye could see. I was dressed like a cross between a total asskicker and a total douche, which I guess is sort of the way to do. As my roommate commented, if we'd of had horn rim glasses we woulda fit right in. Basically, this just hammered home for me the fact that semi-ironic shirts are the way to go.

The close (deliberate, trust me) are pretty baller, and while I don't own any because I am officially out of cash, I feel qualified to inform you that you oughta. What separates these from any other shirts? I donno. Who cares? Nobody. They're probably sort of pricey, but you're probably paying for quality, or integrity, or some other intangible shit. Basically, you're paying extra so that when you go out trying to be hip and steezy, you'll be certain that nobody else is gonna be rocking the same baller shirt, and that they'll all be eyein' you up thinkin how fresh your threads is.

Gut Reaction: Whatever, Fuck That Guy

So science has released a composite image of the most trustworthy face, based on some shit nobody cares about. Now, I'll admit I was hard pressed to barely read the article this time, as it was only like two sentences, but I looked at the guy, and I can emphatically state "Whatever, fuck that guy."

First off, let's get the obvious out of the way-- he's a white dude, which probably makes this racist. Second, , he's just a typical, forgettable, vanilla motherfucker who you'd only trust because you'd totally forget him after you part ways. Also, he kind of reminds me of my old ID badge for my last gig.

If I owned a newspaper, and it had a science section, every line of print would be devoted to real science, and right now that means the Large Hadron Collider, which apparently is some epic particle collider that will either turn men into gods, spin straw into gold, and enhance our understanding of the Universe, or else destroy everything ever. I don't really understand even the broad strokes of this issue, but I think that my unfounded, unreasonable, and ill-informed fears need to be constantly addressed by all media outlets so that I can subsequently ignore the articles and do my Sudoku. Instead, SCIENCE is busily at work on more silly made-up bullshit that even I don't care about.

See, this is great, now I'm all worked up, whereas in reality I could give a shit.

TL:DR-- Whatever, fuck Science, and fuck that guy, and fuck everything since the LHC is gonna fuck all our shit up.

Culture: Changeling Was Rad, But Long

I went out for a hot date with that broad I get around with to go and see Changeling. Directed by that asskicker Clint Eastwood, it stars that hot broad with the pouty face. Basically, her kid gets nabbed and then the police show up with some other kid and say it's hers. She get's pissed off and lulz ensue. There's some intense shit with an ax, a trial scene, shock therapy, negative portrayls of the Irish. It's got it all.

Normally I think Jolie's a pretty so-so actress, but this time I thought she was pretty dope. I read some article in AV Club like a year ago saying she oughta give up on the whole acting gig, since she's so famous and so distinctive she's always playing herself. I was pretty much taken in by the whole thing though, and I thought she did a great job making me forget that she's actually some hot broad who's into tattoos and kinky sex.

The movie was a bummer and way intense, which means I have am going to label it as "shit that will not get you fucked." It also went on for two fucking years, which sucked. It was kind of like Zodiac, in that I kept thinking it was about to end, only to be stuck with another act. That said, it didn't feel bloated; everything seemed necessary. Visually it was really rad looking, and being that I love me some LA, I very much enjoyed seeing the old timey LA. Plus, it showed what assholes cops are, especially the notoriously douchey LAPD. On the other hand, they were pretty hard on the 'changeling' which is sort of weak. I feel like they made no effort to make the kid sympathetic, and I think it's a bold choice as a director to villify a small child. Overall though, if you've got a heart, you'll come out of the story wanting to call your mom. Which reminds me, I'm not in love with the title, since my darling Ma used to call me a changeling when I was misbehaving as a child. Okay, just give me a second to repress that memory... okay done. Anyway, the movie was really sweet and intense, but also really long.

TL;DR-- Changeling was pretty solid, but felt maybe 35 minutes too long.


PS, It also reminded me of this epic book I had to read Freshman year called City of Quartz by Mike Davis. I wasn't as brilliant as I now am, and I was also a little bit of a republican tool in my younger days, so I didn't really appreciate it at the time but it was probably pretty epic and worth a read. It's basically all about how much LA sucks, which I don't agree with but it was certainly an interesting and class conscious look at the history and culture of Los Angeles.

Gut Reactions: Al Gore, What A Douche

Alright, so Gut Reactions are where, without reading or really thinking about an article or issue, I form an opinion based on a headline or summary, and then blog that sucker to death.

Here's an article from the Washington Times, which I won't lie, I found on Fark about Al Gore, who I normally think is pretty rad, especially after seeing that horror movie. My fucking hero Barack Obama offers Al Gore the sweet and, as yet, completely made-up White House position of Climate Czar, and Al Gore says no. I don't know if Al Gore gave a reason, that shit was below the fold so I didn't read it. In my mind, what probably happened is that he think he's hot shit and so when he was offered the gig he was probably all like "Fuck that I'm Al Gore."

Al Gore, what a douche.

So until next time, remember...