Getting Pumped

People often ask me how, facing unemployment, basement dweller status, I manage to stay so upbeat-- how I muster up the energy to tear apart my enemies and attack the day like a hungry dog. It's true that from the surface, the odds are stacked against me, and yet like a salmon swimming up against the current, I soldier bravely onward. The secret to my success isn't exercise, since I can't face that until late at night, nor do I rely upon prayer or a hearty breakfast, since I don't get hungry until around noon-- the correct time for a human being to be up. Instead I look back to the old masters for inspiration, and every morning I watch the following videos:








When I see these high levels of badassery and douchebaggery I know I can succeed as long as I turn myself into a high operating hate machine.

Love

Ace

Nevermind, I have a few jobs lined up:

Don't worry everyone, I have a few gigs in my future, all found through craigslist




























Plus I found that dude whose number I lost:

Salary Expectations

I love it when a job asks me what my salary expectations are. I haven't been paid for work in like ten months, and that wasn't much either. I expect to be paid, that's it. Companies should just come out and be like-- hey, we're gonna pay you like $20K a year, or whatever, and if I want to get paid that much I'll apply and if not I'll keep looking. They do this-- obviously-- so that they can take the best combination of qualified and willing to work for peanuts. If the job goes for $30 but the person will do it for $20, they can basically take advantage of the lack of knowledge of pay structure.

Then again, this might be a great strategy that people can apply to their lives, like dating for instance. On a first date, the chick can just say-- "hey, what base do you think you'll be getting to tonight," and if it were me I'd be like, uh, I think that first base is definitely reasonable, but second is not by any means out of the question..." Meanwhile, this chick was totally down for anal and now I'm getting gypped.

TL;DR-- Asking someone what they expect is a great way to make them look like an asshole.

Craigslist: just another collection of jagovs.

I go back and forth on how I feel about the world at large. Sometimes I think that I secretly love everyone and find beauty in everything, and sometimes-- like now, I think that everyone besides me is a fucking idiot. I've been looking for work fairly haphazardly, and also trying to sell a few things with some success. While my dream life of being a highly profile copywriter who gets paid in cash and bj's and lives upstairs from a shitty bar may seem far away, there is no reason I can't pick up a little work in the interim, right?

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong wrong.

I'm basically looking for labor at this point, because I'm a monstrous fat ass and want to be able to fit into the flossy clothes I own. I also think it's good for the soul. Fine. Here is an example of a labor gig posting on craigslist:

"SEARCHING FOR A CLEANER TO HELP ME CLEAN MY APARTMENT THOROUGHLY AND GET PAID, SOMEONE THAT WOULDN'T GO TO MY APARTMENT AND STEAL MY THINGS, I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S VERY RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY. INTERESTED CLEANER SHOULD EMAIL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE WITH THEIR LOCATION(NECESSARY). ALL EMAILS SHOULD BE SENT DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL. XXXXXXX@gmail.com(compulsory) else your application will not be PROCESSED. "

I love how pissed off this person is already, and I can tell they're pissed off because of the all-caps.

What the fuck?

I just read A Confederecy of Dunces:

Here's a pic of me reading it:
























The book is about a far loser who lives with his Ma and is sent out to find work. I managed to finish it before that became my life exactly but shit, I was cutting it pretty fine. Anyway, I just wanted to update my loyal readers (google analytics tells me you fuckers are out there), and to let you know that if you need shit did, I'm lookin for work.