Embrace All Things Unholy: A Plan for the Raiders

So I was watching the Chargers play the raiders on Monday Night Football and the announcer was kind enough to warn me that any accounts of the game that I give without the express written permission of ESPN and the National Football League will land me in the slammer, but suffice it to say, the night did not end in a resounding defeat for the Raiders.

Growing up in So Cal, not giving a soupy green shit about sports, I don't have fond memories of watching the Raider game with my pops, or anything like that. All I remember, and all I have seen about the Raiders is a bunch of trashy fans who are pretty far down the totem poll, even for NFL fans. The team used to be epic, but now sucks. It's soft of defense, soft on offense, and plays in Oakland. In fact, in Monday's game, their pitiful stadium still had a dirty baseball diamond in the middle of the field. PA-THETIC.

Anyway, apparently the Raiders used to be good, way back when they were coached by John "Frank Caliendo is a hack" Madden. They were renowned in the NFL for punishing, dirty play. I think that, in order for the chargers to return to glory, they need to return to their roots. Now, admittedly, my plan will take some time to enact, but bear with me.

1. Draft every troubled player in the NFL:
A great start would have been making a generous offer to Michael Vick, one of the most maligned figures in the Modern NFL, and T.O, a guy who is out of his damn mind, but can still move the football better than anyone. Go ahead and google "Raiders Fans" and tell me if you think these people could give two shits about animal cruelty. When Plaxico Burress gets out of jail, give him a place to go. Every time a player is involved in a crime, let it be known that he can find a home with the Raiders. Vick and T.O are both likely to have good seasons, and the owners and coaches of teams who banned them will be kicking themselves come playoff time.

2. Send scouts to prisons looking for players:
Okay, this is MOSTLY a PR move, but imagine the buzz, "Raiders Looking for a Few Good Murderers." It's kind of like the inverse of the premise of that crappy Mark Wahlberg movie about the Eagles QB. So anyway, pick up like 5 players, on the cheap, and only play the best couple, but put them right on your O and D lines. Again, this is for buzz, but when the other guys hear that they are facing convicted murderers, its likely to have some effect.

3. Go for every fourth down inside the 40:
This is a simple one, and one that will play to the strengths of your punishing new quasi-lunatic linemen. I honestly think, from having watch USC go for so many 4ths, that it sets the other team's defense off balance, and by forcing them to play one more set of downs it will wear them down. I know the safe move is to go for the safe three, but it's not like the Raiders have been losing a lot of games by 3 points, is it?

4. Free beer to the loudest section:
At home games, let it be known that you will reward the loudest and rowdiest section with free beer. If you didn't google 'Raiders Fans' last time, go ahead and do it now to see why this is a great idea.

5. Don't worry so much about the fouls:
Budget about 50 yards of penalties into your defensive game plan and then just let them wail on the offense. This goes to my point #3 as well. The Raiders don't usually play in close games, so if your goal is to shake up and injure the other team rather than to win, then it becomes easier to accept getting a couple penalties per game for late hits. The point is, the Raiders should be content to ride out a season or two nearish the bottom, if it means establishing an identity as the scariest team to play against.

The Raiders were, I believe, second from the bottom in 2008. That means they beat the Detroit Lions, who managed to lose every game they played. When you think about the Lions you think about a bunch of sad sacks, but when you think about the Raiders, you will, if my plan goes correct, think about a bunch of savages who would rather hurt the other guy than score. If everything goes according to plan, the Raiders will either get some respect back, or be kicked out of the league, thus opening up the chance of a Pro Team coming to LA, or better yet, the NFL just bumping the USC trojans from the NCAA to pro status like they should have done years ago.

Salary Expectations

I love it when a job asks me what my salary expectations are. I haven't been paid for work in like ten months, and that wasn't much either. I expect to be paid, that's it. Companies should just come out and be like-- hey, we're gonna pay you like $20K a year, or whatever, and if I want to get paid that much I'll apply and if not I'll keep looking. They do this-- obviously-- so that they can take the best combination of qualified and willing to work for peanuts. If the job goes for $30 but the person will do it for $20, they can basically take advantage of the lack of knowledge of pay structure.

Then again, this might be a great strategy that people can apply to their lives, like dating for instance. On a first date, the chick can just say-- "hey, what base do you think you'll be getting to tonight," and if it were me I'd be like, uh, I think that first base is definitely reasonable, but second is not by any means out of the question..." Meanwhile, this chick was totally down for anal and now I'm getting gypped.

TL;DR-- Asking someone what they expect is a great way to make them look like an asshole.

Fuck Kobe

Look, I'll be the first to admit I know nothing about basketball, and I could generally kind of give a shit about it. That said, I've been following the playoffs and have decided that, having learned to love football through sheer force of will, I can easily do the same for basketball. It's been working so far and I've been stoked to watch the Lakers kick ass, particularly after last year's disappointing loss to the Celtics. I wasn't disappointed at the time but apparently I shoulda been.

Like anything in life, mankind loves a narrative and commentators try and give that to sports, which is sort of boring otherwise. The problem with Kobe, however, is that despite being crazy talented, he's an ice cold motherfucker-- and not in the good way either. The dude is called the Black Mamba, which would imply that he's sick as shit, which he is-- but he doesn't seem to care. His play is utterly joyless.

I've been digging the epic Kobe/LeBron Most Valuable Puppet commercials. As usual, Nike is kicking the shit out of all other shoe companies in terms of ads, as exhibited below:



Here, Kobe is--unless I'm mistaken-- voiced by the crazy animated David Alan Grier who gives his puppet a lot more life than the real dude has. As a matter of fact, I pretty much prefer the puppet to the actual Kobe in every way. I'l lleave it up to you, but I think the choice is clear:

Culture: The International Kinda Sucked.

Here's a tl;dr for you-- the international, that clive owen movie, kinda sucked.

I saw an advanced screening and while I was expecting to be wowed, it actually was pretty weak. Not only is this not Clive Owen's best film, it isn't even his best film about a bank. Side Note: I when I saw the trailer I was hoping it was a sequel to the brilliant inside man (but in fairness when I saw the trailer for inside man, I was hoping it was a remake of the brilliant Quick Change starring Bill Murray) and this was not the first time I was disappointed by this movie.

The acting was pretty much alright but then again I know dick about acting, I won't address that too too much. The plot was sort of convoluted and this comes from a guy who likes shit complicated. The bank didn't reall come off as sinister enough, but paradoxically at the same time they seemed to be just as ridiculously and lamely evil as a 90's era Bond villain. If this is Owen's attempt to show us why we should be grateful to have Daniel Craig as bond, mission accomplished.

It wasn't all bad though. There were a few sweet scenes including an epic shootout that I was hoping was the signal of the movie's upturn. Sadly, it was both the first and last truly balls-out epic part of a movie that should've been balls-out epic from start to finish.

TL;DR-- Seriously, kinda sucked.

Current Faves in Hip-Hop

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been busy fighting off Super Mutants and Talon Company Mercs in Fallout 3, the most epic shit in history. This isn't a game review site, but I'll just go ahead and give it an A, becuase the game is epic as balls. In any event, I have decided to drop some knowlege on you in the form of some of my current favorite rap related shizz.

"My President's Black; My Lambo's Blue"



"Get Money"

Time Magazine's Top 10 Shit

Anyway, Time Magazine has the top ten of everything and I have some tl;dr's for you, the faithful reader of the infinite steez blog. I had initially planned to correct all of their mistakes, but instead have opted to do so for only the most glaring errors

#1 Best Awkward Moment-- Bush Dances Awkwardly
WRONG-- the most awkward moment was actually when the self-checking machine refused to ring up something awkward that I was buying at Ralphs. Picking Something of more mass appeal... might be the already posted video where nobody will let Bush in line. ID.

#1 Best Business Deal-- Some Shit About Visa Wrong-- The best business deal was when I got a 30 pack of caguama's for $16. Booyah

#1 Best Movie Performance-- Kate Winslet is some movie you've never heard of.
Wrong again fucko! It was, of course Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. Heath Ledger caswe a close second for Dark Knight.












#1 Best Break-Up-- Guy Ritchie & Madonna
WRONG! The right answer was the breakup between Time magazine and journalistic relevance. Although I feel like this might have happened a bit close to press time, as posting a 'best break-up' section, was the final nail in the coffin. Second place, goes to my roommate and his HEINOUS BITCH girlfriend.

#1 Best in Campaign Gaffes-- McCain's Weak Fundamentals
Wrong, the biggest Gaffe was:
Making Palin VP
Nom making McCain presidential Nominee
The Republican Party bothering to run any candidate.

#1 Best in Science-- The Large Hadron Collider
Hell yes, in terms of science, Time magazine knows where it's it, briefly profiling the epicly important LHC.
See, The Onion knows where it's at too.

#1 Best in Video-- The Couric/ Palin Interviews
WRONG! This was by no means even the best Palin Video, that was Nailin' Paylin. (although it's MUCH better with the pr0n. No, the best video of the year was this one:



Brought to my attentnion by Raisins at The Internet is Terrible, this is probably the most haunting thing in history, and 2008's most significant vid.

#1 Best in Children's Books-- Some Shit By The Folks Who Wrote Burglar Bill

WRONG! The best children's book is this one, which teaches children of all ages about Bob Dylan. Actually I don't care.

#1 Best in Crime-- OJ gets thrown in the slammer.

WRONG! The best crime story was me getting a speeding ticket. Fuck.

#1 Best in Editorial Cartoons-- Some non lulzy shit about the bailout.

WRONG! The real best comes from Jim Kelly, over at the Onion, sticking it to those environmentalist wingnuts.

#1 Best in Election Photos: Some stupid Obama picture

Wrong. There were a shit ton of epic pictures of my fucking hero Barack Obama, I have no idea why they picked such a lame one. In my opinion fact the best election pictures were taken by some rando chick called Nilda Vidutis. You should probs take a look at this amazing series of photos.


#1 Best in Video Games-- GTA IV
WRONG!! The best video game of 2008 was fucking metal gear solid 4, and the fact that it doesn't even crack their top 10 shows that Time knows dick about video games. I didn't even play Metal Gear Solid and I know it was the best. I did play GTA, and I thought it was great but come on. Metal Gear is probably dank as shit.

#1 Best in Fashon Moments-- Something Lame About High Heels
WRONG-- The best moment in 2008 fashion was when I got those epic Clae Shoes. Love those fucking things.

#1 Best in Olympics-- Phelp's Phucking Photo Phinish
Wrong-- the correct answer is, "who fucking cares?" Partial credit would be given for me getting some action while the Olympics were on TV.

#1 Best in Religion-- Some shit nobody cares about

Wrong, the correct answer is I AM A FALSE PROHPHET AND GOD IS A SUPERSTITION. NOW GIVE ME THE BLOOD ELI, LET ME GET AWAY.

#1 Best in Sports Moments-- Tiger plays through the pain.

Yeah fucking right. The best sports story of the year was when this dude playing for some no name college team broke his finger and was told he couldn't play. His response-- fuck you, cut off my finger, we're doin' it live! Maybe Tiger would top this list if he'd opted to have his goddamn leg cut off to play better. Are you fucking kidding me?

Alright, that's about all I have the attention span for. Fuck off.

Gut Reactions: Global Schwarming?

So I didn't read some article about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit, but if I had I would have probably read about how Global Warming is maybe bullshit. First and foremost, I think that if you are going to jump in with the "Global Warming is not manmade" crowd, you should pause and think if you really want to be in the company of Sarah 'not as hot as Tina Fey, no matter what anyone says' Palin and George 'Double-Yew' Bush. If the answer is yes, then gfy, you can go diaf for all I care. The real issue here, as far as I'm concerned, is whether or not you think we oughta be taking better care of the earth. Not to sound like a hippie, but we really oughta be. The place is a mess, species are going extinct, and the quality of life is rapidly declining. Let's say global warming is a myth. If we, as a society, gather together and cooperate to lower carbon emissions, drive electric cars or whatever, recycle, stop dumping shit in the ocean, whatever, what bad shit will happen? Our air is cleaner, we use renewable sources (I defy anyone to argue taht we're not running the hell out of oil) and we generally have a planet that is a nicer place to be.

Where's the fucking harm?

This would be epic win for society, showing that we can cooperate on something that isn't a war. It reminds me of this time my parents were gonna come visit my apartment. I spent all day cleaning up and vacuming and throwing out old food. Then they called up and cancelled and my immediate reaction was like what the hell, I wasted my whole day. But then I was like, well, on the plus side, now my place is all clean. See what I mean? Epic win for me. Plus, this means that the world will be a much nicer place when the Large Hadron Collider destroys it in a few months.

TL;DR-- Even if Global Warming were bullshit, which it is NOT, we need to stop fucking trashing the place.

If the TL;DR was TL;DR-- FUCK YOU!

Gut Reactions: The Big 3 Bailout

Moar like the Big 3 Fail It, Am I right? Yes, I am right, and it's time for another round of Gut Reactions. This time, we'll be talking about the Big 3 Automakers who are asking for like 34 Billion Dollars to fix their broke ass companies. Now, as I recently told the tow-truck driver and my mechanic, I don't know shit about cars, nor do I really know shit about business. I'm watching C-Span right now, seeing a bunch of asshole senators and a bunch of asshole automakers jerking eachother off. Fuck that, here's my five point plan for the US Auto Industry

1. Give them the money-- this keeps jobs in America, and can help bolster consumer confidence
2. Temporarily nationalize the industries-- If they're getting our money, we're in charge.
3. Cut CEO Salaries-- You don't deserve millions of dollars a year if you're fucking up
4. Force the US auto industry to make only electric and plug-in hybrid cars, or at the very least to massively upgrade their gas mileage-- you can't sell shit without a unique selling proposition, in this case, you can lean on the government's support to bring a cheap all electric car to the marketplace, and that shit will sell like gangbusters, meaning
   
5. Only lift the oversight board, the temporary nationalization when the $34 billion is paid back with interest.

TL;DR: Use that $34 billion dollars to make America a nation of electric cars.

Gut Reaction: IFH the WSJ

The Wall Stree Journal sucks cock-- prove me wrong.

Ridiculous right wing opinion columns.
Publishing articles by that fucking criminal Karl Rove.
Being assholes, blaming the poor.
Hating on my fucking Hero Barack Obama
I fucking hate the Wall Street Journal

It has excellent articles on business and economics matters, which are two examples of shit I know nothing about. It should stick to this and STFU about politics, which is one example of shit they know nothing about.

TL;DR-- More like Ball Skeet Journal, Am I right?

Culture: Conor Harrington

I'll be the first to know I don't dick about art, but, as the cliche goes, I may not know art, but I know what's dank as fuck, and the paintings of Conor Harrington are dank as fucking fuck.

Since I don't know anything about art, I won't waste your time trying to pretend like I do, instead I'll waste your time with opinions. I first read about Harrington in Swindle, Shepard Fairey's monthly, (see how I just made myself look cultural by just acting like I just assumed you'd know who Shepard Fairey is-- that's an important part of looking cultural). I was immediately blown away by the amazing imagery. Anyway, here's more sweet stuff, hope you dig it.