So I was watching the Chargers play the raiders on Monday Night Football and the announcer was kind enough to warn me that any accounts of the game that I give without the express written permission of ESPN and the National Football League will land me in the slammer, but suffice it to say, the night did not end in a resounding defeat for the Raiders.
Growing up in So Cal, not giving a soupy green shit about sports, I don't have fond memories of watching the Raider game with my pops, or anything like that. All I remember, and all I have seen about the Raiders is a bunch of trashy fans who are pretty far down the totem poll, even for NFL fans. The team used to be epic, but now sucks. It's soft of defense, soft on offense, and plays in Oakland. In fact, in Monday's game, their pitiful stadium still had a dirty baseball diamond in the middle of the field. PA-THETIC.
Anyway, apparently the Raiders used to be good, way back when they were coached by John "Frank Caliendo is a hack" Madden. They were renowned in the NFL for punishing, dirty play. I think that, in order for the chargers to return to glory, they need to return to their roots. Now, admittedly, my plan will take some time to enact, but bear with me.
1. Draft every troubled player in the NFL:
A great start would have been making a generous offer to Michael Vick, one of the most maligned figures in the Modern NFL, and T.O, a guy who is out of his damn mind, but can still move the football better than anyone. Go ahead and google "Raiders Fans" and tell me if you think these people could give two shits about animal cruelty. When Plaxico Burress gets out of jail, give him a place to go. Every time a player is involved in a crime, let it be known that he can find a home with the Raiders. Vick and T.O are both likely to have good seasons, and the owners and coaches of teams who banned them will be kicking themselves come playoff time.
2. Send scouts to prisons looking for players:
Okay, this is MOSTLY a PR move, but imagine the buzz, "Raiders Looking for a Few Good Murderers." It's kind of like the inverse of the premise of that crappy Mark Wahlberg movie about the Eagles QB. So anyway, pick up like 5 players, on the cheap, and only play the best couple, but put them right on your O and D lines. Again, this is for buzz, but when the other guys hear that they are facing convicted murderers, its likely to have some effect.
3. Go for every fourth down inside the 40:
This is a simple one, and one that will play to the strengths of your punishing new quasi-lunatic linemen. I honestly think, from having watch USC go for so many 4ths, that it sets the other team's defense off balance, and by forcing them to play one more set of downs it will wear them down. I know the safe move is to go for the safe three, but it's not like the Raiders have been losing a lot of games by 3 points, is it?
4. Free beer to the loudest section:
At home games, let it be known that you will reward the loudest and rowdiest section with free beer. If you didn't google 'Raiders Fans' last time, go ahead and do it now to see why this is a great idea.
5. Don't worry so much about the fouls:
Budget about 50 yards of penalties into your defensive game plan and then just let them wail on the offense. This goes to my point #3 as well. The Raiders don't usually play in close games, so if your goal is to shake up and injure the other team rather than to win, then it becomes easier to accept getting a couple penalties per game for late hits. The point is, the Raiders should be content to ride out a season or two nearish the bottom, if it means establishing an identity as the scariest team to play against.
The Raiders were, I believe, second from the bottom in 2008. That means they beat the Detroit Lions, who managed to lose every game they played. When you think about the Lions you think about a bunch of sad sacks, but when you think about the Raiders, you will, if my plan goes correct, think about a bunch of savages who would rather hurt the other guy than score. If everything goes according to plan, the Raiders will either get some respect back, or be kicked out of the league, thus opening up the chance of a Pro Team coming to LA, or better yet, the NFL just bumping the USC trojans from the NCAA to pro status like they should have done years ago.
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