It's fucking cold.

Check this shit out.

What's that? You think this is a weak-ass excuse for a post after a week off? Tough shit.

Media Pro-Tip: Being Passive Aggressive is the Path to Success

I was reading some article about some asshole from Las Vegas, which I was about to blog about because I figured if there's anything my blog needs it's more bullshit posts about politics that ramble on and on, possibly with extended run-on sentences but then I changed my mind.

Basically, Obama came out and said:

“We’re going to do something to strengthen the banking system. You are not going to be able to give out these big bonuses until you pay taxpayers back. You can't get corporate jets. You can't go take a trip to Las Vegas or go down to the Super Bowl on the taxpayers' dime. There's got to be some accountability and some responsibility.” (emphasis added, because no one can speak in italics)

Well the crabby mayor of Vegas came out swinging, by which I mean he started crying and demanded an apology:

“That's outrageous. He owes us an apology. He owes us a retraction. What is a better place, I say, for them to come here. For them to change their mind and go someplace else and to cancel at the suggestion of the president of the United States, that is outrageous.”

I will address the issue of pretending to be offended for fun and profit in a later article, but the real genius here comes from the end of the article.

"Goodman last made national news for defending an earmark he wanted put in the stimulus package, a $50 million museum dedicated to the history of organized crime."

Boom! Headshot! Article authors Sunlen Miller and Jake Tapper aren't writing an opinion piece here, they're writing journalism. Journalism is different from the opinioneering practiced by Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olberman (what an asskicker) and myself. The difference is that 1. Journalism takes actual work, usually in the form of difficult research (as opposed to just yelling) and 2. Journalism generally requires you to feign neutrality Miller and Tapper manage to maintain their journalistic impartiality while still defending Obama. They do it by including an anectdote about Goodman, the mayor, that makes him look ridiculous and frivolous. If I were them, I would've referenced another incident I read about in which the Mayor told a room of 4th Graders all about how much he loves gin. Me too, Mayor Goodman, me too.

Good work abc, there's nothing like being passive aggressive to make others look ridiculous while still appearing reasonable yourself.

Know What I Don't Care About? Other People's Kids.

Now Missing White Girl Syndrome is a well documented phenomenon, as is the MSM's fascination with shit nobody oughta care about. In the past week there have been stories alternating on the news--- The Stimulus Package, That Caylee Girl, and The Octuplets. Can you guess which one of these will have an effect on your life? Only one. It's totally sad that some crazy broad killed her adorable little girl, but tons of sad shit is happening all the time. Just because something is unpleasant doesn't make it news. The Nooz runs shit like this all the time, and then, they feel like they need to run human interest pieces to make us feel better, so we get stories about children writing letters to soldiers in Iraq, which I also don't give a shit about. Oh, and that chick who had like a hundred babies-- I don't even know how that qualifies as news. What the fuck.


Oh, I also don't care about hotel fires in China, particularly if the hotel isn't built yet and nobody was fucking hurt.

Culture: The International Kinda Sucked.

Here's a tl;dr for you-- the international, that clive owen movie, kinda sucked.

I saw an advanced screening and while I was expecting to be wowed, it actually was pretty weak. Not only is this not Clive Owen's best film, it isn't even his best film about a bank. Side Note: I when I saw the trailer I was hoping it was a sequel to the brilliant inside man (but in fairness when I saw the trailer for inside man, I was hoping it was a remake of the brilliant Quick Change starring Bill Murray) and this was not the first time I was disappointed by this movie.

The acting was pretty much alright but then again I know dick about acting, I won't address that too too much. The plot was sort of convoluted and this comes from a guy who likes shit complicated. The bank didn't reall come off as sinister enough, but paradoxically at the same time they seemed to be just as ridiculously and lamely evil as a 90's era Bond villain. If this is Owen's attempt to show us why we should be grateful to have Daniel Craig as bond, mission accomplished.

It wasn't all bad though. There were a few sweet scenes including an epic shootout that I was hoping was the signal of the movie's upturn. Sadly, it was both the first and last truly balls-out epic part of a movie that should've been balls-out epic from start to finish.

TL;DR-- Seriously, kinda sucked.

Thanks google!

For helping me find what I was really looking for:








For dispelling a common myth:









For putting everything I need in one place:










For answering the tough questions:

























And for always knowing what I'm thinking, before I even say it:

Ad Stuff: Sea Kittens: Bawww

Okay, with this, and the earlier Shark Post, I am officially creating a 'Fishies' Tag. Epic.

Alright, so the always lulzworthy PETA has launched another brilliant trolling campaign. I'll let some adweek blog explain it for me:

"In one of the most ambitious rebranding efforts ever, PETA has embarked on a plan to refer to fish as "sea kittens." Why? Because who would want to snare, gut and chow down on a sea kitten?"

Epic, right? The adweek dude thinks this is stupid, but I think it's pro as fuck. I tend to subscribe to the Maddox school of vegetarianism, but I still think this is some epic trolling. My pops is a vegetarian, yet still eats fish, and it has long been agreed that most people are simply interested in looking out for the 'cute animals.' I forget who pointed out the horrible irony of dolphin-safe tuna, but it stands true. Anyway, I don't care about that shit. What I care about is advertising and trolling, and this has both.

The website, which is a stitch and a half, has stories about sea kittens:








And you can even make your own:









Great, now I don't want to eat fish, I just want have sex with them.

I like this shit, and think it's funny, but not suprisingly, some assholes from Canada don't feel the same way. What does suprise me is that the good folks at Encylopedia Dramatica don't really like it, and have responded accordingly:












This response suprises me, since I see this as prime trolling. Peta has been annoying people about stupid shit, and arguing in favor of ridiculous shit for so long, and pissing off millions in the process. Epic. Also, from an advertising standpoint, I like the optimism to rebrand anything, even fish. A plus for effort from this unpaid intern.

In related News:

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A SEA KITTEN--- GET IN THE CAR!!!













(image credit goes to something awful, photoshop phriday )

Internets Culture: Moar Cowbell

Peep this shit, fools, and be amazed.